Soul Calibur: On TV?
by The penname I wanted was taken
Summary: I changed the Title cuz 'Soul Calibur News' sucked. Same storyline though. Rated M and Chap 4 is up! OMG, CHAP 4 IS UP!
1. Talim Gets Pissed Off

Soul Calibur News

disclaimer: do not own Sc.

Taki: We're on air! We're on air!

Tira: Guys, We're on air!

Raphael: ...Huh?...Oh...Heh..heh...sorry 'bout that.

(Setsuka nudges Raph under the table)

Raphael: ...Hi, I'm Raphael Sorel.

Setsuka: And I'm Setsuka.

R & S: And this is the news.

Setsuka: So what are today's topics, Raph?

Raphael: Well, today, there has been a-

(Raph is interrupted by Kilik chasing Maxi with his Bo Staff high in the air. They run right across the screen. Setsuka looks at them and starts laughing.)

Kilik: You will die today,  Maxi!

Maxi: Why don't you just go snog Xianghua?

Kilik: What the-

(Setsuka walks over to the camera)

Setsuka: uh...We'll be back after these messages...heh..heh...

AFTER THE CAMERA IS TURNED OFF

Raphael: Kilik, Maxi! What the fuck are you doing!

Setsuka: You just ruined the news!

(Taki and Tira walk over)

Taki: What the hell is going on?

Tira: Can't you bum each other outside? We're trying to do the news here!

Maxi: Why would I be bumming Kilik? I'm not gay!

Kilik: Yes you are! I saw you with-

Maxi: Shut up! Shut up! You wanna bum Xianghua and Raphael!

Tira: Just go outside.

(Taki ushers a mumbling Kilik and Maxi outside)

Taki: Okay, lets try again!

ON AIR

Raph: Hi, I'm Raphael Sorel.

Setsuka: And I'm Setsuka.

R & S: And this is the news.

Setsuka: (Mumbling) ...for the second time...

Raph: What was that, Setsuka? You were going to ask what today's topic's were?

Setsuka: ...errr...Yeah...So, Raph, what are today's topics?

Raph: Glad you asked, Setsuka. Today there has been an earthquake in-

Raph: (Whispering) Setsuka! What's that place called where Talim lives?

Setsuka: (Whispering) India, you fool!

Raph: Right. Today there has been an earthquake in India. In the village of the wind deity.

Setsuka: We have a video.

Raph: Um...guys...roll the video!

(Its the wrong video, a video of Talim and Yunsung kissing and stuff. In the background you can hear Maxi and Xianghua shouting: "Whoooooooo!" )

Raph: (Having a hissy fit) Its the fucking wrong video! You fucking losers!

(Talim comes in and knocks the table over.)

Talim: (Angry as hell) Okay, where is it!

Setsuka: What, Talim?

Talim: The frickin' video, what else!

(Talim throws a few chairs)

Talim: Give me the fucking video!

Setsuka: It's backstage, you Baka! Taki and Tira are rolling it!

Talim: Fine, I'm going!

(Talim exits but on the way she uses her elbow blades to smash the camera)

Raph: We don't even have a camera now.

Setsuka: (Whispering to him) We've still got one for the weather.

Setsuka: On with the weather! ...heh...heh...

THE WEATHER

Yunsung: Hello, I am Hong Yunsung and this is the weather.

Today it will bright and sunny so turn the TV off right now and go get a sun tan!

Taki: (in the distance) And...Cut!

(Taki walks in and puts her hand on Yun's shoulder.)

Taki: Well done Yunsung!

Taki: (Gives Setsuka and Raph evil look) Well done indeed! You managed to not screw up! Not like other people I could mention...

(Seung Mina chases Kilik round and round)

Seung Mina: Leave Maxi alone! Just because you do love Xianghua! Admit it!

(Seung Mina hits Maxi with Scarlet Thunder. They start fighting)

Taki: (Walking away) This is gonna take a while...


	2. Two Cooking Shows And An Argument

Soul Calibur News

Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. SC. I also don't own any of the games mentioned or their characters.

Sophitia: Are you ready, sis?

(Cassandra is having her make-up done)

Cassandra: ...Just a minute...

Sophitia: (Mumbling) Its a fucking cooking show. How much damn make-up do you need?

ON AIR

Sophitia: Oh, hi. Welcome to the Alexandra sisters, where we teach the best Grecian

Recipes.

(Sophitia frantically looks around for Cass)

Sophitia: ...um...err...On with the show!...um...yeah...where's Cass?

(Cassandra comes in and trips over, and everyone stares as she has green and purple make-up on and looks worse than Tira. She has also died her hair purple)

Sophitia: What the-

Cassandra: Its my new look!

Sophitia: Have you been looking at that Tira's Fashion Magazines again?

(Studio Audience goes 'Whoooooooo!')

Cassandra: Well at least I don't film me and my husband having-

(Sophitia whacks Cass upside the head with her sword.)

Sophitia: (Embarrassed and blushing) Lets just get on with the show, OK?

Cassandra: ...so...as my sis was saying, we make the best Grecian recipes around!

(Studio Audience cheers)

Sophitia: ...They never cheer me!

THE RIVAL COOKING SHOW

(Astroroth comes in, swinging his axe, grunting, and accidentally smashing a nearby window.)

Astroroth: (Shouting) Welcome...To the best cooking show around...Astroroth's Appetizers! The Recipes that rock the underworld...and other places like that...

(Cheers from the small studio audience, which is made up of 4 Lizardmen, 2 Berserkers, Charade, Cervantes, Necrid, Olcadan and Zasalamel.)

Astroroth: Thank you, thank you. And now...our top recipe for the day...WORMS!

Zasalamel: gross!

Astroroth: ...I meant worms in a pie...Worm Pie!

LATER

Astroroth: ...so...finally...mix the worms with some spider's blood, stuff in the pie...and bake it for...6 minutes!

(Astroroth puts in in the oven and slams the door.)

Astroroth: So...that's how you make worm pie. Next week, I will be teaching you how to make Evil Sludge Cake-

(The pie explodes so badly the oven door opens and it goes everywhere, including on Astroroth, on the walls, and on the audience.)

Olcadan: Eww...Its all over my feathers!

Zasalamel: This is so gross, man.

Necrid: ...xdhgxdfkjkj...

Olcadan: What the fuck?

Necrid: jdgfxdfukhjhgtuvth?

Zasalamel: Dude...we can't understand you!

Necrid: dsdgjhxhBASTARDjhjhbjfjh...hsjhfjhfDICKHEADhgfg...

(Astroroth is pissed and hits stuff with his axe, and sends one of the Lizardmen flying.)

Astroroth: (Still hitting stuff with axe) It will rain blood today.

Zasalamel: Dude...it already has. Yo, check the walls.

(The blood and the worms are pouring down the walls)

Astroroth: Its one of my lines in that game I used to be in...What's it called again?

Olcadan: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Astroroth: Cool, but no. And do I look like a Turtle!

Zasalamel: Super Mario?

Astroroth: I've always hated that game...

Lizardman: ICO?

Astroroth: You...Fool!

Berserker: Pacman?

Astroroth: What...the...hell

Cervantes: Fatal Frame?

Astroroth: (Sarcasm) Yeah..sure...Who was I? Mio? Mafuyu? Broken Neck?

Cervantes: Good point...you're not scary enough to be in Fatal Frame.

Astroroth: What! At least I'm not a pirate who murders his own crew!

Cervantes: Doesn't that make me more scary? And, yeah...dude..you murdered that Maxi person's crew...Y'know...that guy with the Elvis hair...

Astroroth: I remember now anyway. It was Soul Calibur!


	3. SCTV's Pimp My House

Soul Calibur: On TV?

Remember MTV's "Pimp My Ride"? It's like that instead they make houses look better instead of cars. And I don't own it, before you start whining. That's this chapter, basically.

Disclaimer: Do not own SC. Was that clear enough?

(Seung Mina comes in with Hwang)

Seung Mina: Hi, and welcome to "Pimp My House" Where we decorate your crib!

Hwang: Yo, this is my lovely assistant, Mina

Mina: So...lets see who gets their pad decorated today!

LATER

(Mina and Hwang walk to the porch of a scatty looking house. They knock on the door and Zasalamel answers)

Zasalamel: (Like an excited schoolgirl) OMG! OMG! I'm sooooo Happy!

Hwang: So, lets have a look around.

Zasalamel: (Still excited) Ok! Come in, Come in!

(Mina and Hwang walk in to find the wallpaper ripped, with Zasalamel's dirty scythe on the floor making the worn carpet dirty, and Maxi snoring on the sofa with Mitsurugi, Talim, Yunsung and Kilik)

Hwang: (Mumbling) What the-

Zasalamel: (Embaressed) ...um...that was my...gang bang...last night...They're all crashing here.

Hwang: Jeez...

(Mina is disgusted by that, and pukes)

Mina: oh, gawd I'm so sorry!

Hwang: Not like it could've made it any worse...

Zasalamel: So...shall we go to another room now?

Hwang: Onward.

(They walk into the kitchen to find worms and blood on the walls, with custard on the cooker, and the floor crawling with roaches)

Mina: Jeez...did you try to make Astroroth's worm pie?

Zasalamel: (Smiling sweetly) Why yes, I did! Thanks for noticing. I also added Custard!

Mina: So I see.

Hwang: (Mumbling) I swear he's gay. Or a woman. Or both.

(Maxi awakes and bursts into the room naked)

Maxi: Good morning Sunshine!

Maxi: (Noticing the visitors and talking in a sultry voice) Heeellllllloooooo. So, you 2 doing anything tonight?

Mina: Maxi? WTF

Maxi: Jeez...Its Seung Mina! Don't I work with you, Tira, Kilik, Talim, Setsuka, etc?

Mina: Yeah you do! I'm very disapointed in you! 

(Everybody suddenly realises Maxi is still drunk from last night)

Maxi: Ah, Shut up! You Talk too Much!

(Maxi starts ripping Mina's clothes off)

Mina: Get off me!

Maxi: ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! Someone's cranky!

(Maxi starts trying to bone Hwang and succedes, right there in front of the camera)

Hwang: Ahhhh yeah...Oh...Maxi...Yeah...Ohh...Ooh...Don't stop

(Mina pukes again and runs out. Zasalamel, and the now awakened Mitsurugi, Talim and Kilik joins Maxi and Hwang. The cameraman, who is Siegfried, Joins them also. The camera is still rolling and they manage to tape it all.)

Talim: ...uh...ooh...Wahhhhhh! Calm down Talim...okay

Zasalamel: Yeah...come on Talim...just suck it...it won't hurt...

Talim: ...muuuuftttt...mmmmmm Slurp

Siegfried: Maxi...oh...yeah...uh...Maxi...ah yeah, shove it in there...

Mitsurugi: uh...uh...uh...uh

Maxi: oh...jeez...uh...uh...Yeah...oh...Mitsurugi

Talim: ...oh god...keep licking...yeah!...ooh

(Later, the camera is still rolling, and they take the video out and watch it.)

Maxi: Jeez...is my ass really that big?

Talim: Trust me...I've seen enough of it.

(A/N: Sorry this chap's short. I promise the next one will be longer.)


	4. In The Office

Well, after the OK 1st opening chapter, the stupid 2nd chapter, and the just plain degusting 3rd chapter, I guess its time for the 4th chapter. I am so sorry I haven't updated, I've been busy...(Shifty eyes)...Well, yeah...

Thanks to all my reviewers, too.

* * *

In The Office (heh..heh..)

(Tira, Taki, Maxi, Yunsung, and Sophitia sit at office computers, working like people in offices and doing office stuff. Maxi gets up, off of his computer, and leans on the desk where Sophitia's working..)

Maxi: Hey...Sophitia

Sophitia: No.

Maxi: Why ya sayin no for? You don't even know what I'm going to ask.

Sophitia: Does it go something along the lines of "Will you go out for a drink with me?"

Maxi: (embaressed look) Maybe...

Sophitia: Not intrested.

Maxi: - ( (goes back to his computer)

(Tira, Taki and Yunsung are watching, and trying to supress their laughter...)

Maxi: Shut up, all of you!

(They laugh even more)

(Zasalamel's the boss. He comes out of his office to see what's happening)

Zasalamel: What the hell is going on?

Taki: -cough- Nothing, sir.

Zasalamel: Didn't sound like nothing...

Tira: Well sir, you know how Maxi is crushing on-

(Taki covers her mouth)

Zasalamel: Well, you'd better behave, 'cause we've got an inspector round in a few minutes...Slip up, and you'll be fired. You got that?

All except Zasalamel: Yes, sir...

----Later------

(the inspector arrives. The workers, are, well, working and Yunsung looks up to see a horrible sight.)

Yunsung: (to Maxi, just as the inspector walks in, and really loud..) Maxi, are you Whacking Off!

(Yes, indeed. Maxi IS whacking off. If you don't know what I mean by that, lets just say he's beating a couple of tennis balls. If you're confused by that, he's wanking, OK?)

Inspector: What was that foul Profanity I just heard?

Yunsung: Geez...it's like being back at school..

Inspector: Just wait what the boss has to say! (stalks out)

Maxi: (smirk on his face) Well, Yunsung...I suppose its the last we'll be seeing of you...isn't it? I'm pretty sure you'll be fired...

Yunsung: Just shut up, you elvis-haired retarded wanker! (Just as the boss and the inspector walk in)

Yunsung: (looks at them, worried) I'm fired, aren't I?

Zasalamel: Clear your desk and GET OUT OF HERE!

Yunsung: At least let me argue my case. Did you see what Maxi was doing?

Tira: (big eyes, excited) Trust me, I saw!

Maxi: Oh great, the ugly one likes me.

Tira: (jealous) Yeah well it's only 'cause Sophitia is a blonde bimbo that you like her! She can't even fight!

Sophitia: (Readies weapon) I'll show you, you bitch with an abnormal fashion sense!

Taki: (Stands up) Hey, hey, at least Tira's got a style. You're just a plastic barbie doll!

Sophitia: Oh, so now the woman who can't afford a bra is going to butt in!

(Nobody realised, but Zasalamel was getting mad- seriously mad)

Zasalamel: THAT IS IT! YOU ARE ALL FIRED!

-----Later--------

(Taki, Tira, Maxi, Sophitia and Yunsung sit on the ground outside the office, bored.)

Yunsung: Geez...I'm bored.

Maxi: All of us fired in one day? That has got to be a record or something...

Taki: What are we gonna do? We've tried almost everything. I mean, me, Tira, Talim, Maxi, Yunsung, Seung Mina, Raphael, Setsuka and Kilik tried to be on the news, but most of us quit.

Maxi: Well, that was after Seung Mina started doing that "Pimp My House" Program with Hwang, and caught me and the others at Zasalamel's house...

Sophitia: Ugh. And I had to quit doing my Grecian cooking show with Cassandra...

Tira: Hey, why don't we go see Astroroth? He hasn't made an appearance in ages...

Yunsung: Yeah...in like, one chapter...

Taki: Come on, then, lets go!

(They set off)


End file.
